Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Assault of the Sasquatch (2009)

   Terry Drake (Kevin Shea) thinks he's hit the jackpot when he finds a Sasquatch caught in one of his bear traps while he and two other guys are out poaching bears.Terry's two accomplices meet an early demise at the hands of Sasquatch and Terry is picked up by the police for poaching.The arresting officers Ryan Walker (Greg Nutcher) and Krystle Morin (Christina Santiago) are unaware that Terry's box truck contains the Sasquatch and they take it to the police station where they're booking Terry.Ryan's daughter, Jessica (Sarah J. Ahearn), is already on the way to the police station, after spending time with boyfriend Leighton (Michael Wrann), to pick up dad, Ryan, from work.Some time after everyone makes it to the station Sasquatch escapes (I totally didn't see it coming, okay maybe I did) and starts roaming the neighborhood.Super annoying mega-nerds Don (Shawn C. Phillips) and Murph (M. Kelley) catch Sasquatch on film peeping through the window of a girl undressing (oh sure,doesn't everyone make it a habit to get naked in front of an open window before going into the bathroom to take a shower?). Don and Murph spend the rest of the movie trying to find Sasquatch and record him again until they finally catch up with him and the agitated Sasquatch smashes Don's face in with one blow and spears Murph with a traffic sign.
   Besides a few good gory scenes, this movie didn't have much to offer.The acting was terrible, the dialogue even more terrible, well wait,there was this one touching scene when... (yeah right!!). I noticed that in the first half of the movie Sasquatch was only killing when provoked.He gets his butt kicked by secretary Amy Steel (Andrea Saenz), who thinks she's a badass until Sasquatch gets revenge later and rips her legs off (little reality check for little Miss badass!). Leighton also gets a reality check when he runs into Sasquatch and maces him and then has the nerve to walk off talking trash.Next thing you know boulders are flying out of nowhere with brutal force and crushing Leighton's bones as he stands there crying like a little girl.Sasquatch finishes his assault with a big,blue U.S. Postal Service mailbox flying through the air, at what seems like about 50 miles an hour,knocking him clear out of the view of the camera.
   Ryan,Jessica, and Krystle are the only ones,besides the Sasquatch, left standing at the end of the movie, which was very disappointing for me.Sasquatch, as I mentioned earlier, mainly killed when provoked. I would much rather have seen a ruthless Sasquatch killing everything in his path just for the hell of it.Who needs a Sasquatch with a damn conscience in what is supposed to be a horror movie (at least the acting was horrifying,I'll give them that).Ryan,Jessica, and Krystle should have been killed along with everyone else just to spare us from their bad acting!
   Netflix rated Assault of the Sasquatch 2.1 out of 5 stars.The gore may have been a 2.1,but what the rest of the movie deserves is a 1.5, especially for the very unconvincing Sasquatch costume that reminded me of a long haired version of a bad gorilla costume.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Zombies of Mass Destruction (2009)

   The usually quiet town of Port Gamble is believed to be the target of a terrorist attack.They suspect that known  Iraqi terrorist Mohammed Mustafa (Kevin Hamedani) has unleashed a virus turning the inhabitants of Port Gamble into ravenous zombies.Frida and gay couple Tom and Lance are the movie's main characters, but they don't meet until the end of the movie so you're basically following two stories until they finally meet up.
   Frida is an Iranian American Princeton student who's taking a break from the pressures of college and comes back to her hometown.Frida runs into her longtime schoolmate and neighbor, Brian Miller (Andrew Hyde),and his parents Joe (Russel Hodgkinson) and Judy Miller (Victoria Drake). Judy makes the mistake of thinking Frida is Iraqi, which is a mistake made by several different people throughout the movie.Frida later, against her dad's wishes, leaves to go on a date with her boyfriend Derek (Ryan Berett), (since when is sitting in a car smoking pot considered a date?). As they're sitting in his parked car talking Derek is attacked out of nowhere through his open window and gets his face ripped off in the process (I was sold right then!). Frida escapes the onslaught of bloodthirsty zombies surrounding the car and runs to her house to check on her father.She arrives to see that it would be nearly impossible to get into her house and is spotted by her neighbor, Judy Miller, who calls her over to the safety of her house.Just as they're about to make it safely into the Miller's home Judy is bitten.As Joe Miller is busy watching the news his son Brian tries to convince him that something has to be done about his now infected mother.Joe blows him off and Brian says "Mom's  bitten.Haven't you ever seen a zombie movie?". Joe yells back at him "You know I'm a vampire man!Now get your head back in the game for Christ's sake!". Joe notices that Frida is wearing a necklace similar to the one he's seeing on the suspected terrorist on t.v. and becomes convinced that she has something to do with it.Joe goes into a hilarious conspiracy theory rant and decides to put Frida through a barrage of patriotic testing.Among other things, he asks her the color of the U.S. passport and when she says "blue" he wants the exact shade.He makes her sing the National Anthem and claims she wasn't singing in the right key, so she must be a terrorist.Brian, by the way, has to remind his dad that he's actually Canadian.
   Tom (Doug Fahl) and Lance (Cooper Hopkins) are from Manhattan and are visiting Tom's hometown to come out of the closet to his mother Mrs. Hunt (Linda Jensen). They have no idea what is going on yet and are having dinner with Tom's mother when she mentions that she was bitten by one of her neighbors earlier.She starts coughing uncontrollably at the table and goes to the kitchen to get dessert ( I would have to pass on any food she was touching, that cough sounded nasty!). Lance tells Tom that he needs to stop putting off coming out to his mom and should get it out of the way right then.Tom yells from the dining room to his mom in the kitchen that he's gay.When his mom comes out of the kitchen and attacks him they think it's a reaction to the news he's just given her.After having to stake Mrs. Hunt to the wall they try to leave and discover there are more zombies outside.Mrs. Hunt eventually escapes and Tom would rather take his chances outside than have to kill his mom ( Screw that, she needs to be put down.She's pretty hideous, but then she really wasn't much more attractive before the transformation.).
    Zombies of Mass Destruction has it all!Good acting,decent plot,just the right amount of comedy,and my personal favorite...a hellacious amount of gore!There was blood,guts,and more blood and more guts.Who could ask for more?Lance finds a weed wacker on the street and creates a couple of the movies goriest scenes.The zombies were of the old school slow variety, but what they lacked in speed, they made up for in ugliness for sure.I really enjoyed this movie, I feel it deserves better than the 2.7 out of 5 stars it was given by Netflix.It's a 4.5 in gore alone!




Saturday, January 28, 2012

Thankskilling (2009)

    Thankskilling is a low budget comedy/horror about a homicidal five-hundred and ten year old turkey (killer turkey,that's right). I know it sounds like I should have stayed away from this one, right? I'm glad I didn't.It was meant to be a bad horror movie, it succeeded and had me laughing the entire movie.The plot was stupid, the acting was atrocious, not only was there a homicidal turkey but he was a foul-mouthed, talking, homicidal turkey.There were so many outrageous elements to Thankskilling and I loved every minute of it!
   Johnny,Billy,Darren,Kristen, and Ali are all headed home from school, on their Thanksgiving vacation, when Johnny's (Lance Predmore) jeep breaks down.They just happen to have beer and tents and decide to camp there in the woods for the night and party.Darren (Ryan E. Francis) finds an old sign in the woods that reads "Crawberg"  and tells the group the legend that goes along with it...Right after the first Thanksgiving, pilgrim Chuck Langston dishonored Feathercloud, an Indian that practiced black magic.Feathercloud decided to curse all white people and used necromancy to bring back a dead turkey to wreak havoc on white people every five-hundred and five years on Thanksgiving.Of course it happens to be five-hundred and five years later and unbeknownst to them the turkey has already killed a dog, his first victim (the dog peed on him and he wasn't too happy about it).
   Oscar (General Bastard) finds his dog murdered by an axe and the turkey still at the scene.The turkey tells Oscar it was an "axe-ident" and Oscar has a melodramatic breakdown with his hands to to the sky asking "Why?".The next morning the group wakes to find Oscar in their camp looking for the turkey that killed his beloved dog.Meanwhile the turkey is hitchhiking and gets picked up by a guy who apparently is attracted to turkeys (he gives a whole new meaning to loving turkey). When he realizes what the driver's intentions are the turkey materializes a shotgun, from who knows where, and blows the guy away.Believe it or not, it continues to get even more ridiculous. Ali (Natasha Cordova), for example, is at her home getting it on with some guy when the turkey shows up, kills the guy, and takes his place behind Ali without her knowing.After the turkey's dramatic (how can I put this delicately?) finish, I guess, he tells Ali she's just been stuffed and kills her.As if the Ali and turkey sex scene wasn't crazy enough, the group arrives at Ali's to find her dead and  they also find the wrapper of an extra-small, gravy-flavored condom.
   Johnny,Kristen (Lindsey Anderson),Billy (Aaron Ringhiser-Carlson), and Darren decide they need to find a book on how to kill the turkey and Kristen suggests they go to her house because her dad has tons of books and probably has one on killer turkeys (duh, doesn't everyone?). When they get to Kristen's the turkey answers the door wearing her father's face (the turkey showed up earlier wearing Groucho Marx glasses claiming to be a friend of Kristen's and killed her father after having a cup of coffee with him). Kristen introduces who she thinks is her father (stupid, but extremely funny moment), to Johnny,Billy, and Darren and they then head out to the garage to find the book on killer turkeys.They find a book and discover how to kill the turkey, but I won't go into that.There is so much more I would like to share, but I don't want those of you who plan on watching it to know the entire movie beforehand.
   I loved the stupid humor Thankskilling had to offer.It even had some pretty decent gore which made it even better for me.I expected Thankskilling to be as awful as Rock N Roll Frankenstein (my Jan.14th blog) if not worse, but it surprised me and I got some really good laughs out of it.Netflix gave it 3.1 out of 5 stars, but I think I'll bump it up to 3.7 !

Friday, January 27, 2012

Suspended Animation (2001)

   Tom Kempton (Alex McArthur) goes on a ice fishing trip in Northern Michigan with two of his buddies and finds himself in a bad situation.When Tom crashes his snowmobile on the property of lunatic sisters, Vanessa and Ann Boulette (Laura Esterman and Sage Allen), they hold him captive and threaten to make him their next meal.They have a lovely pantry full of body parts, including a severed penis (yummy, pass the underwear sauce please). Tom later escapes with the help of two friends, just as his head is about to be drilled into by Ann.After Tom's ordeal with the cannibalistic Boulette sisters he becomes obsessed with learning about the life of Vanessa Boulette and creating an animated film with a character based on her.
   Tom finds Clara Hansen (Maria Cina), the daughter that Vanessa gave up for adoption, and makes her the model for his animated character.Clara has no idea who her birth mother is until Tom later reveals it to her because of his concern that her fifteen year old troubled son,Sandor (Fred Meyers), may be a serial killer ( I think it might be the vaginal lips wrapped in aluminum foil that gives it away).
   I liked this movie.It was very well written and acted.Laura Esterman and Sage Allen were convincing psychotic sisters and Alex McArthur was also convincing in his role.I have to admit that I'm a little disappointed that Suspended Animation was a good movie, only because I don't like to reveal too much about the good ones so it gives me less to write about ( I can't stand it when someone ruins a good movie for me). Being the blood and guts loving girl that I am, I think it could have used some serious gore, but it was still entertaining enough without it.Netflix gave Suspended Animation 2.9 out of 5 stars, I give it 3.3. I wasn't able to find a trailer for this movie but I did include a four minute clip from it.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Slayer (2006)

   United States soldier Captain Tom "Hawk" Hawkins (Casper Van Dien) and his squadron that includes his best friend Grieves (Kevin Grevioux) are sent to a South American jungle to find out why several locals have been attacked and murdered. Shortly after arriving they are surrounded and attacked by day-walking vampires.When Grieves is later turned into a vampire their attacks become more organized and strategic due to his military experience.
   This was an extremely bad movie.While watching it I kept thinking that it reminded me of one of those awful Sci-Fi Channel made for t.v. originals.Well, through research I found out that's exactly what it is (damn I'm good!). I really can't recall a worse vampire movie (probably because there isn't one). I witnessed one of the worst puke scenes ever when Hawk and his fellow soldiers were on a boat and spotted dead bodies floating in the river.The actor had his back to the camera and turned around to spit a big wad of something out of his mouth that didn't even resemble vomit.Was their budget so low that they couldn't even afford to make vomit look realistic?At least there was some occasional good gore.There is a scene where a couple of vampires are playing catch with a little girl (it doesn't take a trained eye to see that it's VERY obviously a doll being tossed around), but then they sort of make up for it when the vampires rip her in half. Sadly, that was the best part of the movie.
   I knew Slayer had a low rating (2.3 out of 5 stars), but I made the mistake of thinking it might be decent because Casper Van Dien was starring in it.WRONG!Okay, maybe I was blinded by his hotness and forgot about Tarzan and the Lost City (1998). Even with the bad Tarzan movie already on his resume Slayer has to be a huge embarrassment.
   In my opinion you shouldn't even bother watching Slayer.It was so bad I don't even want to waste my time picking it apart and pointing out all of the stupid parts of the movie.I'd like to just move on now and remember Casper's good movies like Starship Troopers and Sleepy Hollow.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Rammbock: Berlin Undead (2010)

   Zombie movies are my absolute favorite horror movie sub-genre and the really good ones seem to be few and far between.One of my good friends makes fun of me because I occasionally have terrifyingly realistic and extremely intense zombie nightmares (okay it's funny, but not when I'm in the middle of one of those dreams) and yet I still can't get enough of zombie movies.Maybe the fact that I've battled to survive many a zombie in my dreams makes the movie experience that much more intense for me.
   In Rammbock: Berlin Undead, Michael (Michael Fuith) travels to Berlin to try and talk his long distance girlfriend Gabi (Anka Graczyk) out of breaking up with him.He arrives at her apartment to find that she isn't home and asks the seemingly frustrated handyman in her apartment if he knows where she might be (he's working on something and has his back to Michael). The handyman's assistant, Harper (Theo Trebs), walks in and he and Michael are attacked by the handyman, now turned zombie.After locking the crazed zombie out of the apartment they hear a commotion and look out of the window to see a horde of undead attacking people in the courtyard of the apartments.The news reveals that there is a deadly,  madness inducing virus spreading around the country.Michael and Harper, who are complete strangers, are stuck together in Gabi's apartment and have to work together to figure out how to deal with the disaster.
   I LOVED this movie!I often found myself holding my breath as if I were the one surrounded by hordes of the crazed and infected.The zombies are fast moving,brutal, and scary as hell in the style of 28 Day's Later zombies.I can't think of a single aspect of  Rammbock: Berlin Undead that wasn't done well, it rivaled the intensity and terror of 28 Day's Later without a doubt.I'm tensing up just writing about it!
   If I had to say one bad thing about this movie it would be that it wasn't long enough.It's sixty-one minute running time wasn't nearly enough for my zombie fix.Netflix rated this movie only 3.2 out of 5 stars (Boooooo...). It's a 5 in my book!I avoided this movie for a couple of months because of the rating (bad zombie movies piss me off). To think that I almost didn't see this movie because of Netflix's rating makes me wonder how many good movies I'm missing out on.Now I plan on checking out more zombie flicks on Netflix, and though I'm sure most of them will be deserving of their poor rating, I might just find another jewel like Rammbock: Berlin Undead.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Bread Crumbs (2011)

   Bread Crumbs is about an adult film crew who rent a remote cabin in  "east bumf@*# nowhere"(sorry,couldn't resist (House of Blood,my Jan. 12th blog)), to shoot a movie.Before they know it they're being hunted by someone from the surrounding woods.
   In the opening scene of Bread Crumbs the film crew makes a pit-stop in the woods and encounters a couple of strange teenagers in front of their van as they're leaving.They offer the kids a ride and they decline so they drive off to the cabin they're renting for their shoot.After arriving at the cabin the film crew decides to relax and party before they get to work the next morning.Angie (Marianne Hagan), an aging porn star who wants this to be her last adult film, doesn't join the party and steps outside to get away from the craziness going on in the cabin.As Angie is relaxing outside when she runs into the creepy, doll toting teenage girl Patti (Amy Crowdis), that they encountered earlier.I was about to make fun the teenage girl for carrying a doll and claim that it was unrealistic, but then I recalled that I played with Barbie's until I was fourteen.Shhhh...don't tell anyone!Anyway...as Angie is talking to Patti, the girl is startled by howling coming from the woods nearby.Angie tries to comfort her by telling her "It's probably just a raccoon or something." A raccoon? A howling raccoon? I don't claim to know everything about the animal kingdom, but I'm pretty sure there isn't a species of howling raccoon.
   The next morning the film crew gets to work on their movie.As adult film stars Skylar (Zoe Sloane) and Billy (Steve Carey) are in the middle of a scene someone spots Henry (Don Shaked), Patti's half-witted brother, peeping in on the shoot.The whole crew freaks out as if voyeurism isn't already in their line of business!After their horrifying ordeal of being watched  while having sex on camera, the crew manages to pull themselves together and get back to work.Dominic (Douglas Nyback) is locked outside by film director Eddie (Mike Nichols) for not having his lines memorized for his scene (How hard can porn movie lines be?). While Dominic is outside trying to memorize his lines he's attacked and the rest of the crew starts to get killed off throughout the course of the movie.                                         
    It's obvious from the beginning of the movie that Henry and Patti are going to be the killers so I don't feel like I'm spoiling anything for you.They have this weird Hansel and Gretel obsession that just makes the plot stupid .It would have been a much better movie if they had left out that aspect of it.It just seemed very unnecessary except that it made the title make sense.They should have left it out and changed the title.
   Overall it wasn't too terrible of a movie.The acting was fine and it had an okay story (minus the Hansel and Gretel thing). I would have liked to have seen a lot more gore, it was seriously lacking in that department.The goriest scene in the movie was when Skylar's throat was cut, and it wasn't gory at all ( I doubt even my 2 and a half year old would have flinched). Netflix gave Bread Crumbs 1.9 out of 5 stars.I would give it 2.6. I don't know exactly how Netflix determines their ratings but they gave In Search of Lovecraft  (my Jan. 21st blog) 2.4 stars and it was a MUCH more awful movie than Bread Crumbs.How does that happen? If you're looking for a really good horror movie I wouldn't recommend Bread Crumbs, but if you're bored it's worth checking out.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

In Search of Lovecraft (2009)

   In Search of Lovecraft...interesting title right?Interesting movie?Not so much!Being a fan of H.P. Lovecraft I couldn't resist checking out this movie.Netflix gave it 2.4 out of 5 stars so I didn't think it was going to be fantastic, but occasionally a low rated movie can be better than expected.This movie definitely was not.If anything it was worse.
   Rebecca Marsh (Renee Sweet) is a reporter for a local television station who is assigned a Halloween segment on writer H.P. Lovecraft.Rebecca interviews occult expert Dr. D'Souza (Saqib Mausoof) who gives her the diary of an institutionalized woman whose grandmother investigated a cult who worshiped one of Lovecraft's characters ( The Black Man). As Rebecca starts to further investigate the cult she begins to have nightmares and eventually comes to know that Lovecraft's characters are not merely fiction.
   The plot of In Search of Lovecraft is actually a somewhat interesting plot, however it seemed this movie was made on a budget of maybe a couple of hundred dollars.The best acting in the movie was a scene in which Rebecca visits Martha (Bonnie Steiger), the author of the diary I mentioned earlier, in the insane asylum.Bonnie Steiger did an excellent job of acting like a psych ward patient (I guess it's pretty hard to screw up acting insane, but I have to try to give someone in this movie credit for doing something well).
   It's usually a lot of fun for me to write about bad horror movies, but I had a really hard time giving this movie my full attention.I caught my mind wandering quite a few times (I would often find myself focusing on the bad haircut of Rebecca's cameraman,Mike (Tytus Bergstrom)). I was also constantly checking to see if it was almost over.I usually like to reveal as much as I can about a stinker like In Search of Lovecraft, but the truth is, this movie wasn't just bad, it was boring beyond belief.By the time I was halfway through it I was ready to pop open a beer in the hopes that it would make it more interesting.
    I really have nothing more to say about this disaster of a movie except that you should steer clear of it.I'm sure there are some brave souls out there that would like to check it out anyway, but believe me when I say it's a waste of time.I would rather have spent the 98 minutes I wasted on this movie cleaning a crap splattered gas station bathroom stall.I mean that literally by the way!!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Taking the Day Off!!

   I took a break last night and watched a comedy called Weiners.It was extremely funny by the way, right up there with two of my favorite comedies (Grandma's Boy,Beerfest).I'll be back into horror movie mode tonight or tomorrow night.
   My 19 year old daughter makes fun of me for liking Metallica (only old Metallica!) and posted this on my Facebook wall the other day and I thought I would share it.Very funny stuff.Whoever came up with this had way too much time on their hands but it's genius if you ask me!!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Rock N Roll Frankenstien (1999)

   Rock N Roll Frankenstein is a horror/comedy,I think.If it's supposed to be horror, or a comedy, it doesn't succeed.It was just plain stupid, I'm usually a big fan of that, but this was just over-the-top stupid.Okay, so I knew this wasn't going to be an Academy Award winner when I chose it, the title gave that away, but I didn't expect it to be as ridiculous as it was.
   Record producer Bernie (Barry Fetermen) in the opening scene is having an argument with one of his stars who wants to get out of his contract.In the course of their argument the star proceeds to tell Bernie that his ass is insured by Lloyds of London for three million "smackaroos".Smackaroos?Is he five years old?There I was ,maybe only one minute into the movie when he said that,I should have known then to walk away.Oh, and I can't fail to mention how he offers to take a dump on the floor of Bernie's office and proclaims that it might be worth a couple of thousand dollars (I guess that was actually funny, but overshadowed a bit by his terrible acting).
   Bernie, fed up with his current egomaniac musicians,decides to enlist his (eew...brace yourself...) necrophiliac,mad scientist  nephew, Frankie (Jayson Spence) and mega-stoner Iggy (Hiram Jacob Segarra) to create the ultimate rock star.Frankie develops a body part rejuvenating serum while practicing his necrophilia at the coroners office he was fired from (I don't think I need to tell you what body part of the deceased he was using his serum on at the coroners office). Iggy and two of his equally mega-stoner buddies drive around the country desecrating the graves of famous musicians for body parts.The King (Graig Guggenheim), their finished product, is comprised of Keith Moon's legs,Sid Viscious' butt,Elvis Presley's head, and what is supposed to be Jim Morrisson's penis.When The King begins to have what he calls "unnatural urges" (homosexual) Bernie finds out that Iggy accidentally destroyed Jim Morrison's body part and replaced it with Liberace's.The King's penis develops a murderous mind of it's own and starts to drive The King insane.
  The talking penis bit just goes way too far.This movie takes raunchiness to a whole new level that I didn't care to visit.Don't get me wrong,I occasionally enjoy a good raunchy movie (keyword being GOOD) but it was just ridiculous!There were a couple of scenes of Frankie fondling himself to pictures of what appeared to be the internal organs of autopsied bodies.As if that wasn't raunchy enough, there was a scene where The King brought home a male prostitute and The Kings talking member says "Oooo...what's that smell?I smell dingleberries" when the prostitute drops his pants. I'm sorry I took you there,I just needed someone to share my pain.
   Rock N Roll Frankenstein reaked of bad acting and bad taste.I wouldn't recommend this movie to my worst enemy (okay, maybe I would). If I hadn't promised to sit through any horror movie, no matter how terrible, I wouldn't have watched it for more than ten minutes and I wouldn't be wishing for amnesia.Rock N Roll Frankenstein practically makes House of Blood (my January 12th movie review), look like an award winner.Netflix lost it's mind and gave Rock N Roll Frankenstein 2.6 out of 5 stars.Negative 2.6 is more like it (I'm pretty sure I lost some brain cells while I watched it).

Friday, January 13, 2012

Devil's Den (2006)

   Devil's Den is a horror/comedy starring Devon Sawa (Idle Hands,Final Destination), Steven Schub (for a short time), Kelly Hu (Friday the 13th Part VIII), and Ken Foree (Dawn of the Dead-1978,Leatherface:The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III).
   Sawa's character, Quinn, and his best friend Nick drive to Mexico and buy a crap-load of Spanish fly with the hopes of selling it to horny college kids.They're on their way home from Mexico when the movie begins and have a funny conversation during which Quinn mentions the donkey show they watched and Nick points out that the girl was bigger than the donkey.Not a pretty visual (don't worry, I mean in my head,the movie thankfully didn't provide one!). They see a sign for a strip club during their drive through the middle of nowhere and decide to stop and try out their newly acquired product.  
   Quinn and Nick aren't in the club very long before the star stripper, Jezebel, takes Quinn behind the club under the guise of a "private lap dance" and instead tries to make a meal of him.Kelly Hu's character, Caitlin, comes to his rescue.Quinn and Caitlin are in the middle of trying to explain what just happened outside when all of the strippers turn into butherfaces and begin to devour the patrons.Ken Foree's character, Leonard, is prepared for what comes as a terrifying surprise to everyone else and starts taking out as many ghoulish strippers as he can.As I mentioned before, Steven Schub  (Nick) isn't in the movie for very long, he lets out a hilarious girly scream right before Jezebel rips his heart out.
  Quinn,Caitlin,Leonard, and dingy waitress, Candy, barricade themselves in the dressing room of the club and begin to discuss what's going on. Leonard tells them that what they have just witnessed are flesh eating ghouls and the only way to kill them is through starvation, which can be achieved by decapitation or injury to the stomach.He goes on to tell them that he's part of a secret organization that's been tracking the queen for months and that by killing her, the girls she's turned will die with her.
   I could go into further detail about Caitlin and Candy but I think it's best not to reveal too much of the movie for those of you who are interested in watching it.I thought this movie was very entertaining.Though there were quite a few cheesy moments it wasn't a really bad kind of cheesy, more of a funny cheesy.For instance, at one point a decapitated head latches onto Quinn's foot and he comically punches it repeatedly before he drop-kicks it.It was far from the best movie I've ever seen but it definitely isn't the worst,at least it was amusing.There was plenty of gore and the acting was good for the most part.Netflix gave Devil's Den 3 out 5 stars and I would say that's pretty accurate.
   Now I must get back to my super demanding job of watching horror movies!I hope you enjoyed my review. 

Thursday, January 12, 2012

House of Blood (2005)

   Wow,what can I say about this movie?Well it was definitely scary, just not in the way that they intended.House of Blood starts out with character Dr. Madsen getting into a collision with a prison bus.He's taken hostage by four inmates after a really cheesy shootout between the inmates and surviving prison guards, during which one of the inmates is shot.They insist that the doctor help the inmate and he assures them that he will not be able to help the inmate properly without some kind of shelter.Dr. Madsen and the inmates soon find a remote house in the woods inhabited by a strange cult whose leader, I noticed, has a really bad weave job (not that I haven't had a couple myself in my day). The acting was terrible enough when it was just the doctor and the inmates, but when the cult was added to the equation it escalated to a whole new level of  horrific acting, not to mention really bad script writing.The cult speaks in some really bad version of Old English.Why? I have no idea, but I do know it's extremely annoying.
   The cult apparently becomes possessed by demons daily, or nightly (not sure and could care less) and kill the wicked from what I could gather from character Alice's horrible Old English.The demonic cult proceeds to kill all four of the inmates and Dr. Madsen manages to escape and run into a SWAT team who's looking for the escaped inmates.He's taken in and interrogated as to why he has not only the four inmates blood on his shoes but five other people as well.For some reason he refuses to tell the cops that there were other people in the house besides himself and the inmates, maybe to save the cops from going in and being slaughtered (again, don't care). The doctor is then threatened with a whopping thirty days in jail if he doesn't cooperate.Thirty days?Really?Anyway...the doctor apparently doesn't cooperate and is on a prison bus being transported with a new set of inmates when the bus crashes into a lady who's just hit a deer.As you can probably guess he once again ends up at the house of freaks where everyone is, not so surprisingly,slaughtered.At the end of the movie there is yet another prison bus accident and even though I'm not psychic, I think it's safe to say that those guys also end up at the house eventually (please God, don't let there be a House of Blood II !!)
   This movie was downright painful.It was really difficult to sit through, however I did come away with an awesome new saying...ever heard of Bumf@#* Egypt? Well, I'll be using East Bumf@#* nowhere from now on!Even though I've been really down on this movie I have to admit that there were a few good gory scenes.The one that really stood out to me was when one of the inmates smashed the head of one of the demons into a bloody pulpy mess and it reconstructed itself a few minutes later.
   Okay, that was tough.I can't continue to try to find good things to say about this movie.House of Blood was given 2.8 out of 5 stars by Netflix, which is extremely generous if you ask me.I give this movie 1 star, 1 1/2 would be pushing it.It was undoubtedly one of the worst movies I've ever seen.I truly love to watch bad horror movies and House of Blood was bordering on being un-entertaining, even for me.
   The sooner I finish this blog the sooner I can forget that I ever saw this movie.I've posted the trailer if anyone cares to watch it (even the trailer is bad). I'm sorry to say that while searching for the House of Blood trailer I found out there is in fact a House of Blood II. I can't go there, but if for some reason I ever do, you'll read about it here.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Primal (2009) (Not to be confused with a movie of the same name in 2007)

   This was a pretty decent movie so I won't spoil it for you by revealing too much,but rest assured that when I watch a really bad movie you won't be spared the details.
   Primal is about a group of friends who go camping in the outback, and as you can guess, it doesn't turn out so well.One of the characters skinny dips (yes, there's a little " naked chick action" for the guys, not much though) in what turns out to be some kind of foul, leech infested water that later turns her into a bloodthirsty maniac with wicked barracuda-like teeth.She then begins to terrorize the rest of the camp forcing them to decide whether to try to help her or kill her.Killing her would be the only option for me, she's pretty freaky!                  
   This movie had a couple of really creepy elements to it that can't really be discussed without spoiling some of the movie for you.I went into it thinking the plot was pretty cut-and-dried, but there were a few things I didn't expect.In my opinion the acting was done well.No one really stood out to me as being a bad actor.I have to admit that there were a couple of scenes that I found funny though I'm sure that wasn't their intention.As for gore, there were a few good gory scenes that I really enjoyed.The gorier the better!Overall I found this movie entertaining and didn't come away with that "Wow, I just lost an hour and a half I can't get back." feeling.
   Now I look forward to my next horror movie adventure and hope to come across a really bad one.I always enjoy making fun of a really bad horror movie.It's almost as satisfying as watching a really good one (or maybe that's just me).
   Well I hope you enjoyed my review and I hope you will check out Primal, if you haven't already.I've included a trailer of the movie if you're interested in checking that out.


 

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Horror Movie Heaven

  As far back as I can remember (and according to my parents, before I can remember),I've been a horror buff.As young as three years old I was scaring off babysitters with my wildly imaginative self made horror stories.When I was able to read and write I began to put them to paper.For some reason I outgrew writing my own horror stories, but the love of the macabre is still with me.I can't watch enough horror movies (even the REALLY bad ones).Streaming movies instantly to my t.v. is like a godsend.I tend to watch at least one horror flick a night!
   My reason for starting this blog is that my husband isn't much of a fan.I usually watch them while he's working to spare him.I love to share my opinions and discuss what I've watched, but it pretty much falls on deaf ears with him.So I thought it would be fun to blog about the horror movies I watch throughout the week.
   I vow to sit all the way through even the most awful of horror movies and report on them no matter how painful.I invite your suggestions of movies I should watch and hope that you will enjoy some of my suggestions.