Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Assault of the Sasquatch (2009)

   Terry Drake (Kevin Shea) thinks he's hit the jackpot when he finds a Sasquatch caught in one of his bear traps while he and two other guys are out poaching bears.Terry's two accomplices meet an early demise at the hands of Sasquatch and Terry is picked up by the police for poaching.The arresting officers Ryan Walker (Greg Nutcher) and Krystle Morin (Christina Santiago) are unaware that Terry's box truck contains the Sasquatch and they take it to the police station where they're booking Terry.Ryan's daughter, Jessica (Sarah J. Ahearn), is already on the way to the police station, after spending time with boyfriend Leighton (Michael Wrann), to pick up dad, Ryan, from work.Some time after everyone makes it to the station Sasquatch escapes (I totally didn't see it coming, okay maybe I did) and starts roaming the neighborhood.Super annoying mega-nerds Don (Shawn C. Phillips) and Murph (M. Kelley) catch Sasquatch on film peeping through the window of a girl undressing (oh sure,doesn't everyone make it a habit to get naked in front of an open window before going into the bathroom to take a shower?). Don and Murph spend the rest of the movie trying to find Sasquatch and record him again until they finally catch up with him and the agitated Sasquatch smashes Don's face in with one blow and spears Murph with a traffic sign.
   Besides a few good gory scenes, this movie didn't have much to offer.The acting was terrible, the dialogue even more terrible, well wait,there was this one touching scene when... (yeah right!!). I noticed that in the first half of the movie Sasquatch was only killing when provoked.He gets his butt kicked by secretary Amy Steel (Andrea Saenz), who thinks she's a badass until Sasquatch gets revenge later and rips her legs off (little reality check for little Miss badass!). Leighton also gets a reality check when he runs into Sasquatch and maces him and then has the nerve to walk off talking trash.Next thing you know boulders are flying out of nowhere with brutal force and crushing Leighton's bones as he stands there crying like a little girl.Sasquatch finishes his assault with a big,blue U.S. Postal Service mailbox flying through the air, at what seems like about 50 miles an hour,knocking him clear out of the view of the camera.
   Ryan,Jessica, and Krystle are the only ones,besides the Sasquatch, left standing at the end of the movie, which was very disappointing for me.Sasquatch, as I mentioned earlier, mainly killed when provoked. I would much rather have seen a ruthless Sasquatch killing everything in his path just for the hell of it.Who needs a Sasquatch with a damn conscience in what is supposed to be a horror movie (at least the acting was horrifying,I'll give them that).Ryan,Jessica, and Krystle should have been killed along with everyone else just to spare us from their bad acting!
   Netflix rated Assault of the Sasquatch 2.1 out of 5 stars.The gore may have been a 2.1,but what the rest of the movie deserves is a 1.5, especially for the very unconvincing Sasquatch costume that reminded me of a long haired version of a bad gorilla costume.

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