Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Le6ion of the Dead (2001)

   William (Michael Carr) and Luke (Russell Friedenberg) are on their way to Ridgecrest to visit their buddy Joe...Uhhhggg!!I can't do this!Le6ion of the Dead was just as stupid as the "6" they put in place of the "g" in the title.I was going to try to follow my usual format of starting with the plot summary and then get more in depth into what goes on in the movie, but Le6ion of the Dead has me completely stupified.This movie was a failed attempt at a horror/comedy that just came across as STUPID (You probably noticed that I've used the word "stupid" quite a bit in this paragraph...it's because it was that stupid!).
   Though I got the impression that William and Luke are traveling quite a distance to visit their friend in Ridgecrest, for some strange reason they're walking.I thought maybe I missed something and their car broke down, but no, they're just walking.As they are hoofing it along a deserted desert highway a guy pulls over and offers them a ride and they consider turning him down but decide to take the ride.Mike (Christopher Kriesa) makes it clear, almost immediately, that he picked them up with the intention of killing them.They go through a series of adventures with "Psycho Mike" until their friend Joe happens to come along and save them.The three of them then end up in Ridgecrest's local bar where things go from bad to worse, and I don't mean their situation, I mean the movie.William instantly falls for waitress Geena (Kimberly Liebe), who is being followed by an ancient demon named Tagaio (Matthias Hues). Tagaio has been creating a legion of the dead and wants Geena, who is also a demon, but a good one (barf), by his side.The not so scary (unless you're taking his awful acting into consideration) ancient demon gives everyone in the bar two hours to hand over Geena or he will kill them all (Probably with his bad acting...I know it almost killed ME!). Anyway...I won't waste too much time talking about what happens between then and the end of the movie because I don't really care to relive it.I'll skip right to the end and tell you that at one point William dies and Geena uses her demon powers to breath life back into him (Because they're so in love after knowing each other for two or three damn hours.) and then suddenly he and Luke, who was also killed at some point, are sitting in the bar and everything is normal as if William was just daydreaming.WTF?!!!
   Le6ion of the Dead was beyond terrible.I can't say that I recognized any of the actors and I'm sure that it's because they were never able to find work again with this disaster on their resume.I was extremely irritated that most of the movie turned out to be a stupid daydream.I don't want someone to snap out of it and find that everything is just fine.Doesn't it defeat the purpose of it being a horror movie? Honestly, this movie was awful anyway, so I guess it's not that big of a deal, but what a lame attempt at a big twist!I would not recommend that anyone waste their time watching this movie.Some of you may let your curiosity get the best of you and attempt to watch it...don't do it, you'll only be setting yourself up for disappointment and possibly therapy sessions to rid yourself of the horrible memories.I have absolutely nothing good to say about Le6ion of the Dead...well wait...at least there isn't a Le6ion of the Dead II. Netflix rated this movie 1.9 out of 5 stars but that's just not acceptable.I'll give it 1 star and most of that is out of pity.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Doghouse (2009)

   Vince (Stephen Graham) is wallowing in self pity after his marriage ends in divorce, but his friends are ready to come to his rescue by treating him to, what they plan to be, a weekend of heavy drinking and debauchery.Their destination, the small country village of Moodley, in which the women outnumber the men 3:1 is crawling with man hungry ladies...unfortunately for these guys, sex is not what they're hungry for.
   Vince and his well meaning group of misfit friends (Neil,Graham,Mikey,Patrick, and Matt) meet at a local London bar where their hired minibus driver will be picking them up and taking them to Moodley. Banksy (Neil Maskell) has car trouble on his way to the bar to meet the rest of the gang and they take off to Moodley without him.Mikey (Noel Clarke) is the only person familiar with Moodley and the rest of the group isn't very impressed by it when they arrive and they consider leaving.The minibus driver Ruth (named Candy by Neil) decides she'll hang out on the bus for a half hour while they check out the village and decide if they're going to stay.Mikey heads to the house where they'll be staying and sees a female zombie dressed in wedding lingerie eating a dog (Okay, time to go now!!). Meanwhile the rest of the group is having their own zombie encounter.The group finds it's way back together, and considering what they have seen, the vote to get the hell out of there is unanimous, unfortunately when they return to the bus Ruth/Candy is in the process of turning.When the guys run into Sgt. Gavin Wright (Terry Stone) they're informed that the population of Moodley has been overrun by a virus that only infects women.The guys get separated while fighting off crazed weapon wielding undead.Graham (Emil Marwa),Mikey, and Sgt. Gavin are trapped in a women's clothing boutique (which later comes in hilariously handy for them), Matt (Lee Ingleby) and Vince are trapped in a toyshop,Patrick is trapped on a billboard, and Neil (Danny Dyer) has been taken hostage by an extremely unattractive overweight zombie in her nightgown and hair rollers (mmmm....sexy!). Neil, self proclaimed ladies man, tries to seduce the woman holding him hostage and can barely keep himself from vomiting from the sight of her.Banksy finally shows up in the middle of all of the mayhem and the guys think they're on their way out until Banksy takes them to his rental car which, of all things, is a tiny smart car (I totally lost it on that one!!I had to pause so that I wouldn't miss anything while I was laughing my ass off.). Of course there have been casualties along the way and the remaining guys decide to go for the bus again.
   Doghouse was a winner.Great acting,fantastic humor, and just enough gore to satisfy my evil bloodlust (Bwahahaha...). Doghouse definitely had it's cheesy moments, but they were intentional, and very funny.I can't think of anything bad to say about Doghouse, in fact, I have to say that there was only one black man in the movie and they let him live, so that's extra points in my book.Don't worry, I'm not under the illusion that if there's ever a zombie invasion or any other supernatural event in which several people die, that my black ass will survive! I know it's just a movie! Netflix rated Doghouse 3.1 out of 5 stars, but I enjoyed it enough to give it a 3.9., okay a 4.3 for not killing off the black guy.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

   Tokyo Gore Police is the uber-bizarre story of Ruka (Eihi Shiina), a female Tokyo police officer trained to kill "engineers" who's body parts, when injured, mutate into deadly weapons.
   Tokyo Gore Police doesn't waste any time getting right to the blood and gore!Within the first minute we're introduced to Koji Tenake (Tak Sakaguchi), an engineer who has kidnapped a woman and barricaded himself in an abandoned building.The Tokyo police, in full s.w.a.t. gear, enter the building and attempt to kill Koji who is armed with a chainsaw and a very nasty disposition.Blood and body parts begin to fly and when Koji's arm is severed causing him to drop his chainsaw, his arm grotesquely grows back and smartens up by growing it's own attached chainsaw.With the s.w.a.t. team failing miserably, Ruka is called in to finish Koji off. Ruka kills Koji using her sword and the chainsaw he was holding when he lost his arm earlier, before he got his fancy new attached model.An autopsy of Koji's body confirms that he is an engineer when they find the characteristic key shaped tumor that must be severed in order to kill them (The fact that a chainsaw grew out of his arm after it was cut off wasn't enough confirmation?).
   When a prostitute is later found cut into several pieces and stuffed into a small box in the subway station, Ruka is sent to work undercover to find the engineer who is responsible (Damn bigots!They just assume it's an engineer because they're freaky mutants.We're not all bad...I mean they're not all bad..).Ruka finds another woman mutilated and stuffed into a box on a subway car and follows the only other person on the car, who doesn't appear to be mutated except for some strange branding type markings on his face, to an abandoned building.Ruka slashes his face across the bridge of his nose during their confrontation and witnesses him mutating when he pulls the top half of his face off and two shotgun barrel type protrusions emerge from his forehead and start shooting at her.With the top half of his face that was left behind the police discover that the engineer Ruka encountered was Akino Miyama aka Keyman (Itsuji Itao), the first engineer.Akino has been reproducing copies of his tumor and inserting them into others to create more engineers.
   Tokyo Gore Police was one of the most insane movies I've ever seen!There is much more I could tell you concerning the plot of the movie, but I prefer not to because you really should watch this movie.I can't possibly get close to fully describing the insanity of this movie without writing a novel length review.Tokyo Gore Police lived up to it's name and was a serious gorefest.I've never seen so much blood in one movie.Gallons upon gallons of spurting and spraying and gushing blood, and let's not forget the crazy mutations ranging from acid shooting nipples to my personal favorite where an engineer gets the bottom half of her body shredded by gunfire and it mutates into a huge alligator type head complete with wicked sharp teeth.There was never a dull moment in Tokyo Gore Police (Well there was this one slow moment...oh wait, that was a different movie...). It was completely over-the-top and outrageous but I loved it! Netflix gave Tokyo Gore Police 2.8 out of 5 stars but it deserves no less than a 4.8 in my book.I feel dirty just from watching it!!Well I'm off to scrub away the shame of enjoying such a display of depravity!!
   By the way..this movie was directed by Yoshihiro Nishimura.I found four other movies directed by him on Netflix and plan to watch them all in the near future.You will read about them here.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

2012:Zombie Apocalypse (2011)

   Months after the VM2 virus kills most of the world's population a small group of survivors has hopes of making it to a settlement of fellow survivors rumored to be unaffected by the virus on Catalina Island.
   Ramona,Billy, and Kevin (Gerald Webb) are looking for food when they're suddenly surrounded by an onslaught of zombies that manages to get a hold of Kevin and infect him after he takes several of them out.Ramona (Taryn Manning) and Billy are saved by a group of strangers, led by Mack (Gary Weeks), and decide to join the group on their journey to Catalina Island.Ramona is reluctant at first as if she has a hell of a lot of other choices (I guess she's not too bright). Mack's group, which includes Henry (Ving Rhames),Cassie (Lesley-Ann Brandt), and Julien (Johnny Pacar), share their horror stories with Ramona and Billy (Eddie Steeples) and inform them that there are two kinds of zombies they will be encountering.The older zombies are your typical slow moving, easily overpowered type, but the fresh newly made zombies, referred to as "runners", are strong and incredibly fast moving.They later cross paths with a "runner" bigger than Ving Rhames (Yes, I said bigger than Ving Rhames.Can you imagine a zombie twice the size of him coming after you?Terrifying!!). The group discovers along the way that the undead are becoming smarter.The group is ambushed on a couple of occasions by obviously organized attacks by brainiac zombies.They also discover that humans are not the only ones being infected by the virus when a dog that's been following them shows up turned and hungry for more than scraps.Eventually what's left of their group makes it to the docks where a ferry is sent weekly to pick up survivors and take them to Catalina Island.
   I have to say that during the opening credits of 2012:Zombie Apocalypse when I saw that this was a Syfy original movie I came close to turning it off without giving the movie a chance.I literally spoke out loud "Oh hell no!" (Slayer,my January 24th blog, was a terrible Syfy original and has me a little leery, okay a LOT leery of their movies.). 2012;Zombie Apocalypse, thank goodness, was nowhere near as awful.I was actually surprised by the quality of this movie versus Slayer.It was your typical zombie movie as far as the plot is concerned, but it was entertaining.The acting was well done and the gore was impressive.My only complaint is that when they finally make it to the docks they confront an infected tiger that is extremely, obviously computer generated.Other than that it was a descent movie.Netflix gave 2012:Zombie Apocalypse 2.1 out of 5 stars, but I'll give it 2.5 for excellent gore.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Autumn (2009)

   Michael,Carl,and Emma are three survivors of a devastating plague that seems to have wiped out most of the world's population.They soon find the plague is the least of their problems as the dead begin to reanimate.
   Michael (Dexter Fletcher),Carl (Dickon Tolson),and Emma (Lana Kamenov) split up from a larger group of survivors that have assembled at the local high school.They find an isolated farmhouse and decide to make themselves comfortable there,possibly indefinitely.The farmhouse is equipped with a generator, located in a shed just outside the main house, which begins to draw the attention of what they call "walkers". The walkers become increasingly smarter and more coordinated throughout the course of the movie.During the first few days at the farmhouse Mike was able to walk right through hordes of walkers to turn off the generator and they would act as if he wasn't even there and disperse immediately after the generator was silenced.When they notice that there is starting to be more and more of them Mike builds a fence (a flimsy joke of a fence) around the house to keep the increasing number of walkers away, which manages to work for a few days, but obviously won't keep them away for forever.Eventually the farmhouse is overrun and Mike and Emma are forced to leave while Carl,who's pretty much given up on life, lures the walkers away and becomes dinner so that Mike and Emma can escape.
   BORING!I was not at all impressed with Autumn.It was painstakingly slow and uneventful.They waited until the last ten minutes of the movie before they really even showed the zombies being violent,besides a scene maybe ten minutes before that when Carl witnessed a group of of them eating a dog (I could care less about a dog being ripped apart.I want to see PEOPLE getting eaten and I'd like to know why I had to wait an hour and forty minutes into an hour and fifty minute movie to see it!). The zombies seemed more interested in lights and noise than in eating the entrails of the living (Time to go back to zombie school you rejects.). I'm pretty sure it's the most non gory zombie movie I've ever seen (Who makes a zombie movie with minimal gore?). I will give them credit for their job on the makeup,the zombies at least LOOKED scary while they were doing absolutely nothing scary.Like I said....BORING!Netflix gave Autumn 2 out of 5 stars but I'm demoting it to 1.3 for making such a boring movie and having the nerve to make it an hour and fifty minute long boring movie.